No, not the answer to "How much of a brain does Sandy have left?" but rather random musings that I need (or think I need) to share. This was inspired by the profound existential questions posed in last weekend's "Ask Uncle Fungus" on Penguin Shoeshine Theater. Herewith I channel my inner Andy Rooney.
1. Why are shampoo and conditioner manufacturers suddenly using smaller and smaller type on their labels these days? Is it a generational barrier akin to the infamous near-ultrasonic "mosquito" ringtone? Yes, I have reading glasses. No, I don't wear them in the shower, when I need to read the bottles. (And which poltergeist has been swiping said glasses and weakening the prescription)?
2. Why are restaurants so dark at night? The better to confound us geezers with the small print on the menus (are they in cahoots with shampoo manufacturers)? Nothing says "I'm still vital and relevant" like whipping a lighted magnifier out of my purse. (Say what you will, but you won't see ME squinting, nor hear me scream as I burn my fingers holding the little romantic-ambience tabletop candle just before it sets the menu on fire).
3. What is with that ambient dance music blasting in the least appropriate places? How many people do you see dancing in painfully-trendy hair salons, boutiques or airport sushi bars? Why is the volume and monotony of the beat (on the 1 and 3, no less--torturing this poor former rock bassist whose heart beats on the 2 and the 4) directly proportional to the price of the food? I was at Nobu in San Diego last month, and paid $10 per portion of sushi, $5 for wasabi (ok, it was real freshly grated wasabi and AWESOME) and wished I had a pusher nearby to sell me a couple of Oxycontin (for which I'd have paid $50) to dampen the headache caused by the relentless pounding jackhammer beats blasting over the sound system.
4. Why does Facebook cut you off at 5000 friends but let you have all the fans you want? I hate rejecting people, and every time I have to direct a potential friend--who took the time and effort to seek me and my music out--to my fan page instead (where real interaction is impossible), I feel like a supercilious dance club bouncer banishing the not-so-thin-or-rich to the budget lounge where nobody important will see them. Get rid of that stupid virtual velvet rope!
5. Why does every great lifesaving drug make women gain weight and men "fly at half-mast?"
6. Why do the nicest lawns on the block always belong to the nastiest old curmudgeons? And why do said coots go ballistic over kids walking on their lawns but not over dogs leaving "souvenirs?" (For that matter, why do THEIR dogs leave souvenirs on MY lawn)?
7. Does anyone else think pointy, spiky hair looks ridiculous on anyone over 21? Or that guys with brush or flattop crew cuts look not sexy but like Marine drill sergeants?
8. Maybe it's me, but I'd rather not see my waiter's or chef's "sleeve" tattoos while I'm eating. Yeah, I know on an intellectual level that the ink is below the skin's surface, but I still get this irrational suspicion that it's gonna rub off on my food, like the comics on Silly Putty.
9. Finally, why do cats get the most affectionate when you're wearing a contrasting color? Or when your nail polish is still wet? Or right after you've fallen asleep? And why are they so adorable that I can't help but forgive them?